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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26665639">Oatmeal Thievery and How to Romance Someone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyirony/pseuds/lovelyirony'>lovelyirony</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, like the most out of anyone, listen bucky and sam are so STUPID., sharon is amused, steve has more skills than we thought previously, they're also very very cute togehter tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:03:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26665639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyirony/pseuds/lovelyirony</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has seen some questions floating around on the internet about the worst thing that came out of World War II. He has a lot of answers. </p><p>But he thinks he has the final answer as to the worst thing that came out of World War II: </p><p>James Buchanan Barnes. </p><p>What a dumbass.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>190</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Oatmeal Thievery and How to Romance Someone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i think personally that this is how anything happens with them. let me know what you guys think, and enjoy reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam has seen some questions floating around on the internet about the worst thing that came out of World War II. He has a lot of answers. </p><p>But he thinks he has the final answer as to the worst thing that came out of World War II: </p><p>James Buchanan Barnes. </p><p>What a dumbass. </p><p>For one thing, absolutely <em>wrecked</em> his credit score when he ripped his steering wheel right out of his car. It was a new car too, just gotten and Sam had gotten a fancy car-freshener, not one of the trees that was labeled <em>Black Ice</em>. You know, the scent that every guy-in-his-twenties had. No, he was getting <em>fancy</em> in life. Upgrading, as it were. </p><p>And then this absolute goddamn travesty of a human being with a metal arm that was more indestructible than that one spoon that keeps getting stuck in the garbage disposal and somehow makes it out. </p><p>Steve brings him <em>back</em>. And now Bucky–which is a very stupid name–is currently stealing all of Sam’s fancy oatmeal and he knows he’s doing it. </p><p>Bucky is having a lot of fun at Sam’s expense, and Sam can’t say shit about it because Bucky goes “oh boo I’m a traumatized war veteran who had to go to Russia for like fifty years. Let me eat your oatmeal you stupid bitch” and Sam has to <em>let him.</em> </p><p>So Sam decides that he will just refuse to ever interact with Bucky on any level except Enemy. </p><p>Sharon tells him he’s being a tad dramatic. </p><p>“That oatmeal cost me seven dollars every week and he fucking eats it.” </p><p>“Not all of it,” Sharon says. “He’s not bad, he’s just messing with you. Steve is still treating him like he’s one of those glass figurines that Bruce collects.” </p><p>“Bruce collects glass figurines? What?” </p><p>“Yeah. I think he finds them in thrift shops and just collects them. I can’t decide if it’s an intimidation tactic for the Hulk or for Tony.” </p><p>“Tony is scared of glass figurines?” </p><p>“He’s scared of breaking stuff. Don’t ask, it involves Pepper.” </p><p>“Oh. I think it’s weird that you know him on such a personal level.” </p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“I was literally just telling you the last time I went grocery shopping and you told me, and I quote, ‘stop telling me all this personal shit I have limited memory storage in my brain’.” </p><p>“It’s because I do. I don’t give a shit about your grocery purchases unless any of it is for me.” </p><p>“Very self-centered.” </p><p>“Quite. But give Bucky a little leeway.” </p><p>“Absolutely not.” </p><p>- </p><p>Bucky absolutely knows what he is doing. He really and truly does. He’s been texting Maria Hill about the whole thing, who finds it absolutely hilarious. </p><p>In fact, everyone knows what he’s doing. Except for Steve, which makes it even funnier. </p><p>Steve is under the impression that Bucky has no idea that that was Sam’s oatmeal, or Sam’s favorite coffee cup. </p><p>He most definitely knows it. But Sam has funny reactions, and in all honesty, a lot of it isn’t that big a deal. </p><p>And then Sam wacks him with a pillow. </p><p>“You hit me. With a pillow.” Sam wacks him again. </p><p>“Oh, it’s <em>on</em> now.” </p><p>The Pillow Wars commence. </p><p>There are three rules: </p><p>1.) No headshots. Those are mean and stupid and bad. </p><p>2.) You <em>cannot</em> use any of the pillows that Tony or Pepper bought. Both are incredibly enamored with their own interior design and decoration choices, and will not be messed with. It took Bucky only once to learn this. He was threatened to be launched out by an arm, and it wasn’t gonna be his left. </p><p>3.) Steve and Bruce <em>cannot</em> know</p><p>This is mainly for humor purpose. Steve–maybe–would be fine with it. Bruce knows too much about how brains work and how maybe Bucky gets hit with a pillow and Something Bad happens. </p><p>So begins the Secret War. </p><p>Sam ditches an official interview to sneak on a plane and absolutely wreck Bucky with pillows. </p><p>Bucky stealth attacks from ceilings. </p><p>The most entertaining is when other people are in the room and the AI Friday informs of “Dr. Banner’s” or “Captain Rogers’s” imminent arrival. </p><p>“Hey Steve-o,” Bucky says, just casually draping his arm over Sam’s shoulders. (And potentially maybe holding him quite tightly so as to not have him escape. He’s made the mistake before.) “What’s going on in the world with you?” </p><p>“Nat and I are going to practice parkour,” Steve says. “You guys have gotten…closer?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Sam says, grinning. “Best buds, us two. Peas in a pod.” </p><p>“Or more,” Steve teases. “I’m right, right? The hugs, the way that Sam was on top of you earlier, Buck…are my two friends...<em>dating?</em>” </p><p>They freeze. </p><p>They can’t tell him <em>no</em>, because then Steve is going to know that they’ve been fighting. </p><p>“Yes,” Bucky answers. “Sam asked me out a couple weeks ago. We’ve been trying to take it slow, but you know how modern men are. Too quick for their own damn good.” </p><p>Sam wants to fucking <em>murder</em> him. </p><p>Because this? <em>Exactly</em> what he wanted to avoid. </p><p>“I hate you.” </p><p>“Love you too. <em>Baby</em>.” </p><p>“Oh, ‘baby’? That’s the one you’re going with? Listen, you fucking asshole–” </p><p>“Nope! Sorry!” </p><p>- </p><p>This leads to <em>dating.</em> And even more lying. </p><p>Because Sam has to keep it up and pretend like he’s been sharing his oatmeal. They have to go out on actual dates because Steve “checks in” on his runs that he takes (he takes multiple because he’s insane) and they have to be in love. </p><p>It is disgusting. </p><p>Bucky has had to use hard-earned money to get Sam stupid shit like flowers and “just thinking of you” gifts and a <em>birthday present</em>. He had to spend money on a nice shirt and a cute plant that Sam will like. </p><p>This is what changes things, by the way. </p><p>Bucky was not supposed to be thinking about how Sam has been wanting a peppermint plant for a while, but he won’t fucking shut up about it and he won’t stop telling Bucky about all the cute pots that he wants to put it in and Bucky was not supposed to go to the nursery and go get it. </p><p>But he did. Because Sam wouldn’t shut up and Bucky wasn’t gonna be a basic bitchy boyfriend and get him flowers and a dinner. That is for losers. Which Bucky most certainly is<em> not.</em> </p><p>Sam is surprised that Bucky is listening. </p><p>And then they realize that it’s not exactly that they’re mad that they’re dating. In fact, Sam kind of likes having a special someone to go to breakfast with, even if Bucky kind of hates the diner he keeps choosing. </p><p>(To be fair their muffins <em>are</em> dry but also to be fair Bucky will simply not order an omelette, which is their best option.) </p><p>Maybe Bucky likes remembering fun little facts about Sam, like how he hates red petunias because his old neighbor always had them everywhere, or how he secretly thought that Captain America was literally just a media project meant to consider how well propaganda worked on the American people. </p><p>(If Bucky hadn’t remembered that Steve was literally just That Stupid, he probably would’ve agreed with that theory.) </p><p>So now they have Stupid Feelings. This Sucks. </p><p>Also? Sharon is <em>laughing</em> at Sam, because she’s a terrible gay best friend. </p><p>“You’re gay too, so that makes us just friends. Cancels all that shit out. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re stupid and didn’t recognize that you liked him. It literally took Steve assuming you were a couple to get this whole thing rolling.” </p><p>“Wait, so you knew? Why didn’t you tell me?” </p><p>“Sam I’m sorry you have to hear it from me, but I had a <em>hell</em> of a lot more faith in you than I should have. Is that a sin? That should be a sin.” </p><p>“I will literally write you out of my will just watch me.” </p><p>“Who else is going to take your ugly paintings, Sam? Who?<em> Steve?</em> He went to art school for a year. He knows quality.” </p><p>“I hate you.” </p><p>“Yeah, just like you hate Bucky,” Sharon says, laughing. “Have fun with that, by the way. Hope you confess your feelings soon!” </p><p>- </p><p>Sam is not having fun with this. No, not at all. </p><p>It’s mostly because Bucky is still stealing his oatmeal and they’re in Public and he can’t confess his feelings. It’s just not convenient. Also Bucky is having a lot of conversation with a certain guy that Tony knows in one way or another, and they’ve hit it off. </p><p>Steve is looking at Bucky. </p><p>“Huh, he seems to like that guy a lot, they’ve been talking for a while. You know him, Sam?” </p><p>“No,” Sam says. “But I’m sure everything is fine.” </p><p>(Well everything is probably fine on Bucky’s end. Sam is trying Very Hard to not be jealous at all. People talk all the time. He’s talking to Steve right now. It doesn’t mean he’s going to do anything to Steve.) </p><p>(It’s not working, if you wanted clarification. The whole “I’m not actually jealous” thought.) </p><p>- </p><p>He hits Bucky with another pillow. </p><p>“What the hell?” Bucky mutters, flicking on the light. </p><p>“Come to bed, asshole.” </p><p>“I hate you,” Bucky grumbles, shrugging off his tuxedo jacket. “Let me get into my pajamas first before you start a pillow war.” </p><p>“Surprised you came home at all. Thought you and that guy were getting awfully cozy.” </p><p>“Ain’t my type,” Bucky answers, “and his wife wasn’t my type either.” </p><p>“Then who is?” </p><p>Bucky looks at him. </p><p>“You seriously wanna know?” </p><p>“If you’ll answer, yeah.” </p><p>“Sam, my type is someone who is an absolute asshole who I hate a lot.” </p><p>Sam blinks. </p><p>“You wanna know what my type is, Barnes?” </p><p>“Who?” </p><p>“Someone who keeps stealing my fucking oatmeal.” </p><p>Bucky stops and pauses. Then starts shaking with laughter. </p><p>“We really are the worst, aren’t we?” </p><p>“In a sense, yeah. We have an early breakfast tomorrow with Maria and Pepper, by the way. So come to bed.” </p><p>“Yes, <em>dear.</em>” </p><p>Doesn’t matter if it’s said sarcastically. Sam still likes it. </p><p>- </p><p>There’s a part to this story you should know: </p><p>Steve’s absolutely not stupid about this certain situation. He knew Bucky was a little shit who kept stealing oatmeal. He also knew that Sam liked him, even if he didn’t recognize it himself. </p><p>By him insinuating that he thought they were dating, he knew they would never crush his dreams. He’s secretly a manipulative genius like that. </p><p>(It also helps that Maria owes him about a thousand dollars or five favors, give or take a couple.)</p>
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